you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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