Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Randomize
