He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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