i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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