I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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