Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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