Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
