see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
