Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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