Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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