btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
