I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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