I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think I am morally bankrupt
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
