just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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