This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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