He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
