Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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