The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
