So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
