My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
