Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
