I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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