It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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