If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
