Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
