do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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