I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You don't make any sense
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