my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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