My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
