i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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