the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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