I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
