When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so let's talk penis.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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