Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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