I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
