I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
