My hand turned me down
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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