Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
