Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
