I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
