I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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