please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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