Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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