We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
