This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
