I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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