come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
