I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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