Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
