lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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