apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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