Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
