nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Your dad touched me again.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
