my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
