I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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