the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize