There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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