Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
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Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
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I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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