not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
