When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
