I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
