We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
