i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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