You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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