you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
