How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
