At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
