you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
